Rebirth

I am done with the old.  Done with the emotional, physical, sexual abuse I have suffered and endured from you..."my family".  I have been great and growing since last speaking with you, when I realized that I had suppressed my childhood trauma.  Which I doubt you would be open to discussing further although it may help you deal with your childhood demons as well...All of you.

Even this frequent urge to have to force yourselves upon me and my life is abusive.  I am 35 years old, you can no longer force your supposed "love" upon me.  I no longer wish for that kind of "love" anymore.  Love is not controlling, forced upon, given with conditions, guilt, selfishness nor sexual.  I can not give you the love you need.  Look inside yourselves and give your inner child the love you never had or gave. 

All the miscarriages I have suffered, the child I have lost, Otto was due to the unresolved trauma of being sexual abused.  But I am no longer blinded by that veil.

There was so many things and signs...

Alle biting at your hands the last time you were  here should have opened your eyes like it did mine.  Alle was picking up my remembering things "my father" made me do.

Remember "mom" when I showed you my underwear that had discharge/UTI when I was ten?  Well UTI is a sign of sexual abuse.

Remember when I had discharge coming from my vagina and I would put my fingers down there and you guys would laugh it of and made me feel weird?

Remember how you use to find me channeling "sleeping in weird positions"?

Remember when I made that audio moaning tape with my friend "Amy" and her mom came and was flipping out?  Sign of sexual abuse.

Remember how you told us not to share our emotions and feeling unless they were good ones. 

Remember how you stole from me.

Remember how you use to hit us and chase us with belt, leaving hand marks and welts from the belt.

Remember how you use to hang our underwear up outside because we left it on the floor?  So everyone could see?

Remember how I use to make my dolls and toys have sex when I was young?

Remember giving us gifts because we were in pain so it would make us feel better or loved?

Remember how "dad" always did our laundry?  Was it to clean up the evidence & dirtiness?

My over sex drive

Remember how you weren't there for me during Otto's life and death?  And you wanted me to discard my feelings once more, simply to get over it, also not letting other family members to know.

Weird how I would pose for the camera from such a young age...major flag that I was forced to "perform" in other ways.

Remember I use to see angels and fairies but you made me believe I didn't.

Remember when I made you feel powerless because of my power?  We can all be powerful.  Come into your own power.  This is me walking and standing strong in my power.

I know I picked you as "my family" and this life path so I could learn what I don't want and what I do want.  For that I thank you but I no longer want or wish anything from you but peace.  Peace from your darkness, peace from your control, peace from your manipulation, peace from YOU!  I forgive you all and myself because we are all the same person, our soul is one, in this game called "life" but dealing with you brings me no joy.  And joy is the purpose for this experience.  So, I am saying goodbye and hello to JOY!

The Cycle Stops Here

It has been two weeks since I discovered some repressed memories from my childhood....today is my "father's" birthday.  Well I hope you have a great day, without me, with the knowledge of what you did, without lying to yourself anymore and embrace your shadow. 

I have anger toward the darkness you let encompass you, but I forgive and love the inner child that was also abused from your family.

Thankfully I have a real Father & Mother that love me in the right way...Father & Mother God

Symbols

Symbols are very important for visualization, they take the form of words, sounds, gestures, ideas or visual images and are used to convey other ideas and beliefs.   Symbols are all amongst us and have been used for many, many centuries.

Did you know that the circle symbol is water, which also symbolizes emotion.  The triangle symbol is fire, which also symbolizes intellect.  Both are needed for balance.  If you put them together they can form a heart or a star, which is a very powerful healing symbol in itself.

Did you ever think about how earth is covered in 70% water?  Or how we ourselves are 70% water?  Or why is it we wash ourselves, clothes, dishes in water?  Because this earth is a conductor of emotion.  Which is this planets ultimate test.  To not fear emotion, it is part of us, and to embrace this test we agreed upon.  So, if we send out positivity hopefully it will magnify.

PI is used to measure a circle (which is emotion), it cannot be expressed as a fraction and its decimal representation never ends and settles into a repeating pattern.  This is because you can not measure emotion it is always changing. 

Earth's symbol is a square.  If you "think outside the box"...
Father God is intellect, fire, triangles.  Mother God is emotion, water, circles.  We need both for balance, without one the other can not be.
Father God & Mother God's universal love for us is the center circle.  The inner circles are Mother God's chakras, which is why she can create miracles, she is mother earth.  While Father God's chakra circles are holding earth in place for these lessons we agreed upon to be learned.

Love and positivity is the most important thing, darkness and negativity cant survive were there is light.

10/23/2014

2 years ago, I was 20 weeks pregnant with you, Otto.  I remember having such anxiety and not wanting to have the exam because I knew you wouldn't be here long, knew they would find something wrong, knew that I would have pictures & a video of you, although I wouldn't have you...How wrong I was, you are here, right before me on the Other Side, I just can't see you.


During the exam I kept referring to "the baby" as him, several times, the ultrasound technician asked if I wanted to know the sex, even though it seems like I already knew.  Which I did...

Love You Mother God, Father God, Holy Spirit

9/30/2014

2 years ago, I was 17 1/2 weeks pregnant with my son Otto, first visit to the hospital because I was bleeding.  With all my pregnancies I had never made it this far.

This was our first glimpse of you, after hearing your glorious heartbeat for the first time.

We are so happy to have had you here for a short time, our son, our precious spiritual gift, Otto Guckes.

Just Old Blood Now

The bleeding is slowing down, no cramps, just old blood.  I can get through this, we want this baby.  Even the nausea is a warm blanket of comfort....a weird one but definitely a comfort.  As long as I'm nauseated the baby is safe and growing.

Bleeding Lightly

Trying not to worry, what will be, will be....
Worrying does nothing but wastes energy.
So, I raise my hands up and give this to Mother God & Father God, I love You

Soul Number 6

Since I was three or four I always knew I was meant to have kids, ached to have kids, loved being around kids but I also knew somehow that was also my challenge.

This soul number in numerology is fulfilled when they have children.  Own their own company with lots of responsibility.  Receiving acknowledgement for all of their hard work with people looking up to them.  When they are appreciated and needed by the people they love in their life.



Love you Mother God, Father God, Holy Spirit

Negative But Im Positve

How does one know ones body so well that you know their is a growing soul inside of you before the pregnancy test reads positive?

Negative 9/11/2016

All one has to do is be still to hear the rippling waves of knowledge and be open to it.

I love you Mother God, Father God, Holy Spirit

Butterfly Effect

An angel appeared to me, through a beautiful butterfly.  It landed on me twice, then to the plants before me.  Staring at me, willing me to hear its message.

"I'm pregnant, aren't I?"  I questioned.  Already knowing the answer, even though I would only be a couple days along, I knew. 

It stayed for awhile, although it seemed like time stood still, graciously allowing me in its presence.

Receiving this message helped me start to accept my path, accept my grief of having multiple miscarriages and my son's Otto's passing.  It was a warning for me to heal physically and mentally to make room for the new baby growing inside of me. 

Protect me my angels, spirit guides, and surround me with your love.

Mother God Azna I hand this to you.

Love you Mother God, Father God, Holy Spirit